the sinner in me
2009 Resolutions
Keep studying
Be a great boyfriend, and a good son
Be more all-rounded
Stop shrinking and start growing again
Be able to answer to myself
My Second Wind
I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average. I fear being forgotten. The past. Yesterday's news. I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night. I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down. I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset. I fear dying without leaving my mark. I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.
I love my fear.
first up, thank you people for calling or sms-ing. i think from the experience of the ones who called, you'd probably agree that it was wiser to sms =P
the fallen saint left at 8:41 am
today was eventful.
the fallen saint left at 10:51 pm
detracting from the utopia for a while, because i feel i need to let it out already, after keeping it inside me for so long.
the fallen saint left at 12:14 am i wanted to take it easy today. my body wasn't feeling very right.
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is the older generation carelessly ignorant, or is it merely a case of today's youths shielding the truth too well from them?
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warning: this may come across as a very chauvinist entry. kindly ignore should you feel offended.
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of hospital manpower..
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i need a new telephone in my room, to replace the faulty old one. much preferably cordless.
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to carry on running where others stop to walk.
the fallen saint left at 9:03 pm men of our time achieve great things. warriors achieve greatness against the odds.
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after our run yesterday evening, i was asking my dad if he slowed down his pace, to which he replied "you're 20, i'm 50". i don't know why but it bore some significance to me. i think it's just nice to see father and son running together at this kind of age.
the fallen saint left at 6:38 pm
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
thank you
cloney
sorry about that screwed up phone call at 12, i really was knocked out and i just got off the phone, and i didn't look to see who it was when i answered your call. ok, lousy explanation, but yeah. you know the rest in your blog. glad to still be in touch with you after so long (:
charmaine
peck, the only junior i keep in contact with anymore! you should feel rightfully touched, if not honoured, haha. and i'll be there on september 14, i promise, ok? meanwhile you take care of yourself and we shall take many photos together yeah?
jia
still remember how we bitched about rv together? lol. it was nice to find someone who shared the same grievances, and nice to have a sisterly figure like you to talk to when in need. i hope your life goes well and we ought to meet up for lunch or something, ok? (:
momo
ok i've known you since primary school - easily the longest among everyone listed here. up till now you still bully me to no end, but i'm used to it already, haha.
elaine
i don't think you'll see this, so i'll keep it simple and tell you the rest personally.. thanks for picking me up when my spirits were down, and thanks even more because you had your own problems to tackle at that time as well. i respect you in more ways than one. -big hug
mom & dad
ok, you two obviously won't see this (i think!) but you still mean a lot to me, obviously. having to endure all my nonsense when i was growing up and getting me so many things i asked for, i never realised how fortunate i was. thank you dad for all those presents you got me over the years, and mom for the wonderful meals you conjure from the kitchen. why is it i can't cook as well as you still! ok i will learn. haha. love you two.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
whee
my dad got me a new cordless phone to replace the deceased one in my room, and the sony cybershot t9! the latter was supposed to be his birthday present to me. this is. damn. cool.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
begrudgement
i dislike people who are not willing to help themselves. those that depend on others to survive, the parasitical creatures who live each day wallowing in self-pity and hoping someone will come by and help them along, instead of doing something useful for themselves.
if you've got problems then go try solving them, don't sit on your fat arse and wait for SOS. because it isn't going to fcuking come forever.
more specifically, in the office, i feel like i'm being used to do repetitive and mechanical tasks sometimes. the stuff that nobody wants to do on their own accord, and so they find someone they can bully to do it for them. i'd like to raise the point that i am human, just like you, and no lesser a being at that. not to be arrogant, but i think you might want to try doing my tasks and i'll take over yours for a day, and you may find that we could end work at say, 3? i don't mind helping people with their work, if they are struggling to stick to their datelines. i will struggle with you, i have no grievances in doing so, unless i'm slogging my numb arse off and i see you doing something absolutely not work-related. if you can't finish your work because you choose to be distracted by other things then you can go fcuk yourself, because you are not deserving of help.
i've a good mind to tell a few people off before i finish my god-bloody-damned national service. give them the birdie too, maybe, before i walk out the door the last time, if things don't improve.
abandon
but if i ease off just because something isn't perfect, then i'll always be too easy on myself.
so i just pushed myself.
some days i love what i do, some days i hate it. but if you want something, you simply have to do what it takes to achieve it.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
we differ
Sunday, May 14, 2006
female drivers =S
as the title goes, i think we all know where this is headed.
allow me my own rendition of the progression in today's automobiles. when automatic transmissions came about, balding men were grateful after they had one less reason to pull their hair (follicle and roots all) out from their scalps in traffic jams. couch potatoes were especially grateful for not having a constantly tired trembling left leg on the clutch pedal too.
oddly enough, i believe automatic transmissions were brought about for the sake of the female composition within the drivers. the driving community would indeed be much happier in the absence of a panicky female driver stalling her vehicle in the middle of a busy traffic junction. or when you've waited for what seemed like an eternity for the red light to turn green, but the car in front of you stalls its engine, and when you reach the stop-line the light returns to red. try and picture the red, amber and green orbs secretly laughing at you, it's not that hard is it? maybe you wished you cycled - or even walked - instead.
back to the point. automatic transmission for female drivers. one would think the world was saved. i shrug my shoulders, because i think it's a dodgy argument. less violence inducing, i would argue, instead of agreeing that the roads are safer and less accident-prone. for with the exception of karen (who erm, isn't much of a lady if you really got down to evaluating her) i have yet to be the passenger of a female driver who has been able to drive smoothly from A to B. strength control has no bearing in their understanding. to them, applying pressure on the accelerator and brake pedals is either on or off. picture this: you have a fan, and the fan has only two activating buttons - on or off. no 1, 2 or 3. just on or off. hence, either the car is crawling lazily like a nine year old out of bed on a sunday morning, or it's screaming like a rooster with a durian high up in its arse.
it's worth pondering over whether female drivers are subconsciously lunchtime racers. they can give the engine a good whack and the brakes a good fry, but few manage a smooth ride.
i think i'm not making sense anymore, but you should not blame me, because i was on the receiving end of some of that driving today.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
kelvin's analogy
"i realised in the hospital.. nurses are like sergeants and doctors are like officers. staff nurses are like your csm and the nurse managers are the cb warrants."
i think you really need a break from army, my friend.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
two things
and i want a mini fridge in my room as well, to house the drinks and late night snacks for which i'm too lazy to trudge all the way to the kitchen and back.
shall begin negotiations in the coming week.
Monday, May 08, 2006
slapping myself
will someone tell me if it is ever possible to push myself too hard? i am by no means a marathoner or triathlete - though in future i'd like to give the latter a good go - but the purpose of this paragraph is to ask if there is a physical, actual limit of a body's capacity to continue with intense training, or if all this talk about limits is a pathetic excuse of the weak to seek solace from suffering. i'm trying to pick up my cardio where i left off last year, but the pain in my shins are a constant worry. i do not want to begin with self-diagnosis. i run till i'm de-sensitised to the pain, but i'm always afraid it is doing more harm than good to my legs. i often think to live to fight another day is cowardice, but if i were to weigh my options properly, taking care of my legs now would mean i could train regularly in future, instead of risking an injury which may put me out for a couple of weeks or more. unless, of course, all of this is due to the FCD, in which case there is nothing i can do. it just disturbs me that i'm limping everytime after i run because of the acute pain in my left shin.
and i'm pissed at myself for having gone soft on the bench press. i can't lift the amount i did last week. insufficient sleep or lack of hydration are all excuses, because there are others who can do it without all this. it's time to wake up and realise this is not an easy routine life; it takes discipline and dedication.
sometimes i want to put myself in the toughest conditions and see how i fare, if only to humble myself further - to remind myself that i am no one great and very far from it. and i don't like painkillers or joint supports, because if it's painful i want to know, because i want to be aware of all that is going on inside of me, and because if you're good enough you will live through the pain.
if you want something bad enough, you will do anything possible to get it. maybe i'm reaching that point soon.
don't give up
the blood you're bleeding now will pay off.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
ode to my family
and my mom, who never exercises except for housework, washing the car and very occasional cycling round the neighbourhood, yet successfully manages to look a decade younger than her actual age, as independently exclaimed by all my female friends who've seen her.